I came across a comic recently that helped me to look ahead to 2019 with some hope and more joy. 2018 was an incredibly hard year for me personally—incredibly hard—- and finding joy is something I have struggled with since losing my son in 2014. The current state of the politics in our country and the lack of compassion from people can leave a person feeling very defeated. I am an empathic person anyway so I tend to feel more than most and then take on more suffering than I should. I have turned off much of the news. I have backed away a LOT from social media and am trying to focus on taking better care of myself and, while that feels selfish, I also feel that I can only give myself what I need, as those around me seem to be doing that for themselves.
Meditation has been a large part of my life since losing my son. It has helped to wake me up in ways that I had no idea. I can now look at my emotions and watch them flow through my body. That isn’t to say that I can’t still feel them and experience extreme hurt. I do. But I am learning the importance of being alone. Of going inward. Of silence. Of looking at how the selfish behavior of those around me affects how I respond. The importance of taking care of myself. The importance of letting go of expectations from others, to understand my empathic nature, and to realize I need to give myself the love and care that I can’t get from others. The realization that I AM alone and that the things I thought I had, that were precious to me, were NOT really there at all. That it is all an illusion. That the definition of some words are different to me than they are to those closest to me. But the hardest part is that I can’t change the definitions that others have in their heads even when they don’t match my own definitions. And I have let go of ANY communication to this effect as I have learned that it doesn’t do any good. Sometimes it hurts worse to hold ON than it does to let go.
Soooooooo, I am going to take care of my own garden and am going to plant flowers. It is that time of year you know, when the seed catalogs are coming in and you dream of growing more color in the yard. Of the changes of the season going into the cold part of the year as well as the anniversary of John’s stupid death and knowing that there will be warmer days ahead.
I have always wanted a greenhouse so that I can start the flowers for my garden. I have had a makeshift greenhouse for many years. The years that my emotions were healthy I have made the effort and started flats of seeds in there and filled my yard with zinnias and marigolds and vegetables that have produced enough to share with friends and neighbors. So, this year, I found a cheap greenhouse from Harbor Freight for $299. With a coupon, I spent $250 on it. There are tons of YouTube videos about how to beef up this little guy so that it will withstand the elements better. I have been watching those and today will go out and start cutting the lumber for the foundation.
I’ve already ordered some seeds. My usual greens and vegetables and adding some new strawberries, because the bed I have has not been producing much the past few years. And this morning I ordered flowers. Yay!
Here are a few photos and I’ll post more as it progresses.
I cleared the concrete slab area of all the junk we had on it and filled in the concrete gaps that were on the slab with some quickcrete. I then took an old tent side and drew the dimensions of the greenhouse on it so that I could lay it down and get an idea of the positioning of the house.
Got my work shoes on and gloves and it is supposed to get to 60 degrees today and by the weekend snow….Let’s see how much I can build today!